


The vacation

by heme



Series: Chemistry student Deidara [8]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:16:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25651228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heme/pseuds/heme
Summary: Deidara was on vacation.
Relationships: Deidara/Sasori (Naruto)
Series: Chemistry student Deidara [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1813744
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	1. Monday and before

**Author's Note:**

> I was bored and tired.

The unlikely trio have the most unlikely group chat.

“The Teahouse”, it was named. A bunch of old ladies paying extra bunches of money to drink low tea, and using it as an excuse to bicker around.

Except Itachi never uses china teapots that could contain litres of water at a time. One teapot, ten centimetres at its widest, made from Yixing clay. And the second was for containing the tea filtrate, light green in colour and glaze cracked.

Whatever tea was brewed from it tasted exactly like money. Along with the Uchiha’s love for high – quality scents, heated Kyara [1] chips releasing their sweet scent into the air, the smell of money hugely intensified by the addition.

Other than the aforementioned exclusion, the three never had afternoon tea together. Mostly because a dainty afternoon snack period will turn into a food fight if Itachi insults Deidara’s art in any unlikely way.

During a lazy afternoon in the summer holidays, the group chat appeared like the following:

Itachi Uchiha: My family has been pressuring me into becoming less uptight. Therefore, I am going to have a vacation with my friends instead of reading about mathematics.  
\- 2:23 PM

Itachi Uchiha: In order to increase my motivation for the activity, my mother decided to be responsible for all of our fundings. In other words, none of you has to pay a penny.  
\- 2:35 PM

Deidara Iwa: wow  
\- 2:36 PM

Itachi Uchiha: Iwa, are you coming or not?  
\- 2:36 PM

Deidara Iwa: if there aren’t any other Uchihas  
then yes  
don’t want a bunch of people trashing my art  
\- 2:36 PM

Itachi Uchiha: Quoting Sasori, your play – doh trash cannot be called art. In addition, explosions fall under the category of terrorism instead of art.  
\- 2:37 PM

Deidara Iwa: > Quoting Sasori…  
see?  
that’s exactly my point  
\- 2:37 PM

Sasori Akasuna: all your points I see, brat, is the one single dot underneath the question mark.  
\- 2:40 PM

Deidara Iwa: you guys  
are  
so fucking infuriating  
\- 2:42 PM

Sasori Akasuna: your agitated? that’s you’re own problem, brat.  
\- 2:42 PM

Itachi Uchiha: Sasori, Iwa, are you coming or not? If no, the only ones left are Shisui, Obito, and my foolish little brother. Iwa’s loud mouth is incomparable to the extent Shisui, with the assistance of Obito, is capable of.  
\- 2:43 PM

Deidara Iwa: yeah  
\- 2:44 PM

Sasori Akasuna: yes.  
\- 2:44 PM

Itachi Uchiha: We will be departing next Monday, that is, five days later. Please bring along sufficient amounts of clothing, and your swimwears. Iwa – remember your sunscreen. I do not want to be the person for the second time to rub cooling gel on your entire sunburnt body like the last time it happened during a high school field trip.  
\- 2:46 PM

Deidara Iwa: way to embarrass me in front of sasori – no – danna, uchiha  
\- 2:46 PM

Sasori Akasuna: I’ve already seen you embarrassing yourself in front of me enough times, brat, one more makes no difference.  
\- 2:47 PM

\------

Monday  
7:01 AM

Sasori tapped his foot impatiently, and on his side, Itachi was standing straight up like a lamppost, suitcase equally perpendicular.

The brat was already late by a minute.

A whole minute. Over the scheduled meeting time.  
  
Utterly unbelievable.

Then the clanking of suitcase wheels against cobblestone roads reverberated across buildings and into both men’s ears.

“Sorry, un, I’m late.” Deidara panted, strands of hair strewn wildly across his face. At random positions along each individual fibre, dull blond was stained with black from the cheap eyeliner.

Sasori’s bewildered stare was priceless. What exactly happened to the brat that his feathers were ruffled in such a way. And of course – why would the brat opt to be such in a hurry instead of getting up earlier in the morning.

\------

Monday  
7:30 AM

“Uchiha, can you drive a bit faster, yeah? Sasori – no – Danna doesn’t like to be kept waiting, un.”

“Unlike you, Iwa, I do value my life.”

“Brat,” Sasori scolded, “do not use me as an excuse. I deserve better treatment than that. Besides, my correct opinion on art prevents me from taking excessive risks.”

Itachi clutched the steering wheel far harder than usual, knuckles turning white at the brewing storm.

“Sasori – no – Danna, art is –”

“Silence!” The Uchiha snapped, calm Uchiha demeanour slipping away to halt the impending Art War.

\------

Monday  
11:30 AM

“I just knew the Uchiha would fly first class, un.” Deidara gritted his teeth at the apparent insensitivity of the weasel. In order to soothe his anger, he coughed multiple times to mock Itachi’s chronic illness, and continued in a parody of the missing friend’s voice, “Iwa, it is not my problem that I can afford a first class ticket.” While letting his hair down from a high ponytail to a low ponytail.

Sasori shrugged, “That’s none of my business, brat, and none of yours.”

“Ahwell, only proves my Sasori – no – Danna is the best, un.” The blond smirked, as he scooted closer to the puppeteer. Sasori was pressured to the windowside by the advances, lips pursed in complete disgust and apprehension.

“You never fail to disgust me with your affection, brat.”

Deidara grinned, “I know, Danna. But you always secretly enjoy the attention, un.”

The redhead unbuckled his seatbelt, heading straight to the bathroom in a brisk walk as an escape.

Only to get his impervious plan foiled by the air attendant, “Sir, the flight will be taxiing shortly. The restrooms are now closed.”

The engineering student wiped both his hands onto his cheeks in total despair at the sudden turn of events. He walked back to his seat with a frown, refusing any devilish eye contact from Deidara, “Don’t you ever dare to comment, brat.”

“Comment on what, Danna, un?” Deidara leaned back on his seat, the ever – present smirk grinding on Sasori’s nerves. The brat knows just the right buttons to press to strain the negligible amount of patience Sasori has for mankind.

“Forget it, brat.” The elder of the two let out a long sigh, wishing to let the uncomfortable topic fly off. He then mused on the brat’s love of explosions, “I’m still wondering about something, why would the airlines allow you board the plane, brat? You are a massive safety hazard.”

Deidara’s grin stretched even wider at the prospect of misinterpreting the message, “Why would I be a safety hazard, un? Because I’m so hot that I can set fire to the fuel tank? You know, Danna, next time try complementing me more directly. Maybe you can even get what you want then, un.”

Sasori replied with a clean – cut silence.

\------

Monday  
2:00 PM

“Sasori – no – Danna, why exactly do you have two suitcases with you, un?” The blond stared at the amount of materials the puppeteer brought with him along for a simple little trip.

“I believe you asked the exact same question more than three hours ago, brat. And I hate repeating myself.” Sasori flatly stated, evidently unimpressed at the brat, “One is for materials I use on myself, and the other is for materials I use to make my puppets.”

Itachi could not even be bothered to remark at the ridiculousness the artists exhibited, “Hn.”

After getting lost in the airport for an exact zero times due to the raven’s superb navigation skills, the three arrived at a nearby car rental agency.

“Sasori,” Itachi said, “because you have a whole set of puppetry tools with you, I will rent a pickup truck for the sake of all of our convenience.”

The redhead blinked lazily at the Uchiha, “You are the one who’s paying, so it’s your choice.”

Half an hour later, all relevant documents and disclaimers were signed, insurance papers already in Itachi’s backpack, they were ready to get onto the road.

Sasori swore he heard his stomach drop into an endless pit when he heard Itachi unlocking the truck doors. But he could not pinpoint the reason behind.

Only after Itachi did start the engine, Sasori knew. The raven had his hand on the gear stick, not realising the car was a manual, unlike the automatic he was used to.

An ear – splitting scream from the gearbox was heard.

Deidara yelled, sitting straight up in alarm from his slouching position, “What the hell, Uchiha, un?”

“I was only switching gears, Iwa.” Not realising there was a clutch.

“Itachi,” Sasori interrupted, “Leave the gears alone. You are going to overstress the metal into mechanical failure at this rate. Clutch first to release the interlocked gears, then do your thing. Don’t you ever wrench from forward to reverse while the velocity of the car is not zero in an inertial frame with a stationary lamppost as the reference.”

“Wow Danna, you seriously need the vacation, un. What has engineering school managed to do on you?”

“Not my problem if your inferior brain doesn’t allow you to comprehend such a trivial concept, brat.”

The weasel’s driving skills were sufficient to function in most regions.

Yet the destination he had chosen for the vacation does not lie in the category counted as ‘most’.

Crossing mountain ranges for more than a hundred kilometres on winded roads.

Deidara was secretly praying to Jashin while Sasori was shouting instructions when the raven was on the road.

“Brake! Brake! Alright, release the gas, clutch, I said clutch, Itachi, not pressing on the accelerator! Now start over again from releasing the gas. Shift to second gear… Itachi, you’re going to overheat the engine at this rate, just let the car take its break down below in the straight stretch of road. Alright, shift neutral, the place between gears, release the clutch and brake.”

The Uchiha was unfazed from his multiple encounters with possible accidents, because he knew for a certain his magical Uchiha luck was protecting him, “I never know you could drive, Sasori.”

“I don’t [2],” Sasori smirked, “it’s only common sense for an engineering student.”

“That’s some excellent driving, Uchiha, un. I could’ve done a better job at that.” Deidara jabbed with a shit – eating half smirk, sarcasm dripping off from his voice. He was standing at the side of the road, stretching tired joints and letting out a massive yawn.

“I believe the car would become your ‘art’,” Itachi replied, inserting air quotes in the appropriate places, “the instant you press the accelerator, Iwa.”

Sasori hummed in agreement, “I must say, Itachi, I wholly agree with your assessment. Besides, the brat couldn’t even navigate with Google Maps shouting instructions.”

“Exactly whose side are you on, Danna?” Deidara snapped back with both eyebrows raised, unamused at the double kill.

“Brat,” Sasori tutted, “you spend so much time around me, yet you couldn’t even figure out such a trivial question?” The redhead sighed, running a hand through messy hair, “I’m impartial.”

The chemistry student swore under his breath, “Impartial, my ass, un.”

Sasori piped up, “I heard that, brat.”

“Sasori, Iwa, let us get going. We will arrive at around 5:30 PM.”

“And we will arrive at 5:30 PM in the emergency room if your driving continues, Uchiha, un.”

Itachi checked his mobile phone, the time as appeared on the screen was indicated as 4:02 PM, time zone already automatically switched, “And we will arrive at 4:30 PM in the emergency room with third – degree burns if you are on the wheel, Iwa. At least with me driving, we can get more than an hour worth of enjoyable life.”

Sasori was lounging around in the backseat, dozing off to get a ten – minute quick nap, but was snapped out from his dreamlike state at the two’s bickering, “I do wonder, Itachi, since when has life become enjoyable for you?”

“Enjoyable is something relative, Sasori. A break from my foolish little brother’s antics is always relatively enjoyable. Besides, some fresh ocean air is good for my health.”

“I’m sure Sasuke isn’t that bad, un. It’s just you who’s being whiney, Uchiha.”

Itachi sighed in defeat. Deidara would absolutely blow up their entire house if he heard what has Sasuke got to remark on Deidara’s sculptures. It was best to leave this topic alone, and endure more of the blond’s mocking.

“If this is what you think, Iwa, I will tell you a story instead. Two weeks ago, he got into a fight with Naruto and ran off. His phone was off, and we could not contact him in any way. I called the police, what they discovered was that he was fraternising at Orochimaru’s.”

The engineering student choked on his spit at the name. He coughed multiple times in order to get the unappreciated memories out of his windpipe and mind.

“Do you need some water, Sasori? You do not look so well.” Itachi remarked.

“No –” Sasori wheezed out between breaths, “From the sounds of it, I went to the same high school as Sasuke. Orochimaru was my biology teacher for two years back then. That Jashin – damned snake tried to hit on me multiple times until I whacked him on the head with a half – done puppet.” Both Itachi and Deidara scrunched their noses in revulsion, “What was surprising is – he graduated under the same advisor as Tsunade and Jiraiya with the same degree, but he chose to become a high school biology teacher rather than a researcher at a well – respected institute.”

The puppeteer closed his muddy eyes in analysis, “Which was after all, not exactly surprising.”

“Why not surprising, Danna?” Deidara was interested at the story.

“Don’t interrupt me, brat.” Sasori hummed, “As I was about to say, he is a paedophile.”

Itachi corrected Sasori’s loose choice of words, “Hebephile would be the more preferred description, Sasori.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Sasori waved off the notice, “As long as you get what I mean, there is no real difference. By the way, Itachi, next time when you meet him, do tell him that Sasori Akasuna thinks his circle of socialisation is crap.”

“Sasori, Sasuke does not even know who you are.”

Sasori smirked, “Itachi, you have no idea how much of a name I made back in high school, to the degree even Chiyo was called to a meeting with the management higher – ups. Those adorable juniors definitely have heard about my legends, in which one of them is me blackmailing Orochimaru and beating him up with a puppet.”

“What are the rest, Danna, un?”

“I got famous with my sheer amount of playing hooky in classes, especially physics. Once, I was walking back into the campus from my coffee trip in the middle of a physics lesson, the principal told me to see her in her office because of my attitude issues. I went there, and the first thing she said was, ‘I wonder what university have you gotten into with the attitude of yours.’ So I told her the college name, the old hag then proceeded to reprimand me about it since she did not realise the college belongs to one of the big name universities she talks so fondly about.”

The redhead rubbed his neck, and hummed in enjoyment, “Good times, good times. Now it has been two years since I finally ran off from the hellhole for the better, my current life lacked the entertainment it used to obtain from excessive stupidity.”

“Unlike you, Danna, aside from deliberately blowing the ventilating chamber up in one of the school labs, I haven’t done anything remarkable, un.”

Itachi’s gears grinded to a halt, “I always suspected the unusable ventilating chamber has something to do with you, Iwa, but it is the first time you have openly admitted your conduct.”

“Don’t want the school management on my tail, Uchiha, un. I did that for a reason, and it’s not for showing off my art.”

“You actually have explosions that does not fall under the category of what you deem as art, brat. I am neutrally surprised.”

“The story’s similar to yours with Orochimaru, Danna.” Deidara sighed, braiding his fringe into a French plait, “Only the chemistry teacher thought I was a girl, un, so he tried to flirt with me [3].”

“I am amazed, Iwa, that you have not told me the story back when we were in high school if predicted according to your chattiness.”

“I don’t have to tell you every single thing, Uchiha, un. And it’s doubly embarrassing, because obviously I’m not that feminine, since I’m a guy, yeah?”

Sasori snorted, “Very convincing, brat. Not that feminine from the one who has their hair plaited. Should I add a ribbon and a bow on top?”

Deidara huffed in indignance, “Shut up, Danna, un. The boss of my undergrad research is called Hizashi Hyuuga. He has a son named Neji, and Danna, once you’ve seen Neji crossdressing because his friends pulled him into it again [4], you won’t call me feminine.”

“One issue, brat. The ventilating chamber is not even the teacher’s property, so why –” Sasori peered out from the window, and screamed in alarm at the impending possible danger, voice cracking, “Brake!”

Itachi slammed the brakes to the absolute bottom at Sasori’s request, car screeching to a halt.

“Itachi, by the word brake, I was indicating uniform gentle deceleration, not burning the tyres.” The engineering student rolled his eyes.

This was going to be a long week, the Uchiha thought to himself.

\------

Monday  
6:00 PM

The weasel unlocked the front door of his family’s vacation house, turning on the main switch, “There are a couple of rooms. Take whichever you want.”

Deidara let out a massive yawn, joints cracking while he stretched his muscles, “I’m never getting into your car again, Uchiha, un.” Behind the complaining Deidara, Sasori peered around, trying to check which room has the comfiest bed of all. When his choice has been made, the short redhead pulled two massive suitcases into the room, effectively claiming it as his own.

From the room around the corner, a smooth voice chirped, startling the bickering two, “To be fair, brat, I’d rather have Itachi drive than you drive. Anyways, you two chatty old ladies have fun, I’m going for a shower.” Then walked into the shower with nothing more than a short towel.

After the door to the bathroom was locked, Deidara cocked a brow at the missed component, “Oi, Uchiha.”

“Yes, Iwa?”

“Did Sasori – no – Danna forgot to bring clean clothes inside?”

“I do think so.”

“Should I remind him about it?”

“I do not think he care about his outward physical appearance. Unlike him, both of us does to some extent – which is visible from our hair conditions. By the way, Iwa, you should brush Sasori’s hair. It is tangled all over the place.”

Deidara chuckled, “Provided I actually come out living afterwards, un. Danna will probably skin me alive for it.”

Itachi was screaming internally at Deidara’s weird combination of dumbness with genuine social awkwardness. Coming out either living or dead was not the point, the whole driving force was the Uchiha was trying to give the two a final push over the edge for them to become an official couple through the flirty activity of brushing hair.

The raven replied instead with an all – knowing “Hn.”, hiding all leaking traces of annoyance.

Sounds of running water came to an end. Out then popped a blank, expressionless redhead from the bathroom, holding a towel in his hand.

In accordance with the unlocking door, Itachi made a U – turn so that his back was facing Sasori.

But Deidara somehow did not do the same. He instead stood there, lips pulled into a smirk, evidently gawking at the puppeteer [5].

“Sasori – no – Danna, is there an issue with your wardrobe?”

“Do you have an issue with me wearing my birthday suit, brat?” Sasori retorted.

“Not exactly, un. Just saying, maybe you don’t want me gawking at you, so you should put some clothes on instead, that’s all.” Says the blond who has a habit of wearing overly – tight fitting fishnets that has a coverage area approximated to zero underneath his T – shirts.

“As you have already realised this, brat, then don’t stare at me. The end.”

The sculptor hmphed, then walked away with his trademark sly smirk plastered on, “Such a killjoy you are, Sasori – no – Danna, un.”

\------

Monday  
7:30 PM

Deidara snuck into the kitchen, hoping to elicit no attention to himself.

And he heard familiar coughing behind his back.

A finger tapped his shoulder only a second after the soft coughing noises, pulling out a dampened ‘fuck’ from the chemistry student, “Where do you think you are going, Iwa?”

“What, it’s only the kitchen, Uchiha.”

“I am not going to repair the kitchen, Iwa, after you destroy it in some way or another.”

“I’m not that accident – prone, un! Cooking’s just like a usual organic practical, and I never screwed any practicals up, Uchiha.”

“And, pray tell, Iwa, are there any open flames with a flammable gas supply underneath inside a modern chemistry lab?”

“No, un.”

As the two were having their hourly argument once again, the door to Sasori’s room slammed open. Said redhead strode out with The Textbook in hand, ready to strike if anyone acts out of line, “I will cook. You two are absolutely hopeless.”

Deidara was about to slither away and leave all the dirty work to Sasori, but earned himself a whack on the head by an up and coming butchering knife due to his entitled laziness, “Brat, stop running away from your incompetence. Stand here.” Sasori pointed to the refrigerator doors with a single finger, “Watch and learn. I don’t want to see you setting fire to the spaghetti like last time you did on an induction cooker.”

Itachi gave the blond an I – told – you – so look.

The chemistry student flipped the raven his middle finger in pure anger.

Upon the cutting board, Sasori’s usage of knives were kind of disturbing. Four fingers curled inwards to prevent the blade from cutting his own flesh, and was he – sawing the basil back and forth?

“Brat, hand me the lettuce.”

And the lettuce leaves were again quickly sliced into long slivers as one would operate a bow saw on the inedible wooden cutting board.

The engineering student drawled, textbook long ago on the dining room table, “Alright, brat, I don’t know how did you manage to set fire to spaghetti, but for the sake of you learning, you will use shorter fusilli pasta. If I see any of the cooking pasta catching on fire, the pot of boiling water goes on your head. Understood?” He grabbed a pot from the cabinet under, and filled it with tap water to the half.

“You light the stove, brat.”

“But why, Danna?” Deidara smirked, “The infamous Sasori Akasuna is scared of fire?”

“No. I am only making sure your basic chemistry practical skills are on the line.” Sasori was zesting a lemon, pretending the lemon was the annoying brat. He was now very tempted to zest the brat instead of a run – of – the mill fruit.

“Danna, the stove is ignited by pressing down, so there’s no need for the lighter.” Deidara turned the knobs, yet only gas came out. “Fuck, un.”

Sasori shrugged. He could care even less, as long as the stove was lit properly.

“Hurry up, brat, the vinaigrette is nearly done by now.”

The blond bent downwards so his ear was in the same plane as the stove. Gas was slowly released with the rate of only making audible leaking noises, and he struck the lighter. His job was all done.

“Question, Danna.”

“Yes, brat?”

“Why can you cook?”

“Because Chiyo can’t cook to save her life. I can’t even remember how many times she burnt boiling chickpeas. Besides, I have much better tastes in food than her, brat. This also includes you.”

Deidara scoffed at the additional insult, “If I have such bad taste in food, I shouldn’t be the one cooking the pasta because I’ll ruin it, right, Danna, un?”

“If you can even ruin it with me supervising, then you are unfit to be a member of society, brat. Which raises an additional question, how come you not burn reagents in a heated water bath?”

The chemistry student stuck out his tongue, pulling strands of hair out of his half – ponytail, “Hmm, Danna, the reason I don’t burn reagents is because we have magnetic stirrers, un. And reactions are performed with molecules dissolved in solvents, not the clumpy sticky mess you get in kitchens.”

“If that is so, then why don’t you stir your cooking a bit more, brat? Or just tune down the heat a bit.” Sasori smirked, while sharpening the ends of fresh rosemary sprigs. A quick clean cut to the stomach of sardines was all it took to degut the fishes. The blood – red gills indicated the decent freshness of the sardines, which prompted a remark from the elder of the two, “Itachi sure is rich. Most likely he called a fishmonger living in this area last night to deliver the fish this afternoon. I wonder how much he tipped the guy.”

“Oh, right, un! Can’t believe I never thought of that.” Deidara wiped his hands on a spare piece of cloth, pulling Sasori into a tight hug with a huge grin of satisfaction. The puppeteer stiffened at the close physical contact; he then scrunched his nose in repulsion, despite Deidara has already showered the grime out from his skin. “That’s why you are the Danna.”

“Alright brat, let me go. The water’s boiling.”

\------

Monday  
8:21 PM

“Brat, stop admiring the pasta al dente. Go and tell Itachi to come downstairs.”

Sasori heard the smirking long – haired man inhaled a deep long breath. In quick, fluid movements, he shoved a finger into each ear hole, other fingers still grabbed on a tablespoon, anticipating the brat’s sonic attack.

“Itachi!” Deidara screamed.

The redhead groaned, “Brat, by calling someone, I’m not asking you to shatter glass.”

Footsteps turning from quiet to clanking church bells rushed down the stairs. Appeared was a dishevelled Uchiha, long hair slightly tangled from the exercise of running at the speed of a hundred – metre sprinter in a race.

“What was the matter, Iwa? You were far louder than usual.”

“Nothing, Uchiha, un. Just telling you food’s ready.”

Itachi took a deep breath against the pressure put on his lungs by his chronic illness, “Why is it, Iwa, when someone has a simple request, they make it sound as if they were dying in their own puddle of blood?”

Deidara blinked his offensively blue eyes, “Dunno, Uchiha. Maybe you can use your superior Uchiha mind to figure it out, un.” He caught onto the raven’s discomfort, lopsided smirk fully on at the thought of finding a loophole, “And Uchiha, you are the only one who was sounding like dying in your own puddle of blood, un.”

“Evidently, my chronic illness is not the point, Iwa. My point is – please tune down the volume by a factor of ten next time you repeat the identical activity. Dying from internal bleeding caused by sound waves is incredibly painful, and I do not want it to become the reason of my death.”

“You should’ve said so earlier, Uchiha. So that I don’t need to offend your royal pristine Uchiha eardrums, un.” The sculptor grinned impishly, already crafting a revenge plan to be executed tonight which involves blasting death metal at maximum volume right in front of Itachi’s door at three in the morning.

And then he would seek refuge in Sasori – no – Danna’s room from a sleepy Itachi.

When the Uchiha was waken up in the middle of his beauty sleep, he was not a happy person.

More exactly, the antithesis of a happy person.

But the possible consequences never mattered to Deidara. After all, he was the ultimate adrenaline junkie.

\------

Monday  
8:45 PM

Itachi was fully prepared to scold Deidara as an elder brother because of the latter’s uncultured culinary habits.

“Iwa, put your reading down. It is poor manners to be focusing on something else while dining.”

Deidara rolled his eyes, moving onto the next page of a paper regarding relative electrophilicity and nucleophilicity published on Tetrahedron Letters, “Since when have you been so concerned about my manners, Uchiha, un? Eating can wait, my craft has a higher priority.”

“Brat,” Sasori stopped yet another up and coming argument with an observational detail of his own, “You’ve used the word ‘craft’ instead of ‘art’. What was the entire deal about?”

“Unlike art, chemistry is soulless, un. That’s why I call it a craft instead. It’s like the difference between architecture and building, yeah.”

“Was that John Ruskin, Iwa?”

“Yeah.”

“Ruskin did make some interesting points in his most famous work, though I cannot find myself sympathising with his theological considerations. Perhaps, in true adhesion to fideism, should I interpret it using the language of the religion itself, I would have a better chance in attaining a positive result.”

The engineering student grumbled against Itachi’s previous claim, “Ruskin is a direct opposite of my derivate artistic viewpoint, as he sees no beauty in tools of engineering. Which is why me, and most engineers out there, don’t appreciate him.”

While Sasori was in his rant of why was Ruskin an old gas bag, Deidara spun his fork around using two fingers. He rotated the fork up and down along different axes, followed by a couple of reflections, then muttered, “C2v [6].”

Itachi coughed into his sweet tea at the sudden mention of group theory.

Even though the puppeteer did not exactly understand the implications behind the two’s interactions, it has to be something related to mathematics and chemistry to elicit such a response from the normally stoic Itachi and the previous gibberish from the brat.

“Quoting you brat, you should take a break out of chemistry and maths.” Mentioning two subjects at once was preferable, since one of them should hit right onto the head of the nail.

Deidara blew on a limp strand of hair hanging from the top of his head, “Hearing this from the lazy Danna is such a breath of fresh air, un.”

“Laziness is the driving force behind inventions, brat. You should have understood this better than me, as chemistry involves a lot of dirty work.” Sasori continued to muse on the topic, “But you are a stupid brat. So it shouldn’t surprise me.”

“Danna, don’t talk about dirty work when you haven’t been on the end of it, un. Once you tried mixing thirty different solvent combinations to figure out just the right retention, you will know what’s dirty work.”

Sasori chuckled with his solution in mind, “Then why not quantify separation, brat?”

Deidara returned the unrequited favour with playful chuckles of his own, “Because there’s something called entropy, Danna. And it’s the only reason behind why does chemists have jobs, un.”

“Hmm, makes sense. This is probably the most intelligent statement that came out of your mouth in quite a while, brat.” Sasori plucked the half – filled teacup from Itachi’s hands and took a drink out of it, “And brat, put the dishes in the dishwasher. No thank you’s.”

\------

Monday  
11:30 PM

Stomping noises intertwined with yells of ‘yeah’ were slaughtering cells in Itachi’s cochlea [7].

That Jashin – damned blond was living downstairs, and yet his ruckus was vibrating at resonant frequency throughout the entire house.

Itachi gritted his teeth, unable to focus on his reading because of the sheer amount of distraction. Why on earth could Sasori have exactly zero complaints, when Deidara was creating a massive commotion right next to his room?

The weasel went to the ground floor, deciding to ask Sasori about the details.

He gave the closed door several gentle knocks.

Nobody answered.

More slightly urgent knocks were delivered.

Silence.

Wondering if something awful has happened to the scorpion, Itachi decided to barge right inside with the corresponding key that could unlock the door.

“Sasori –” The Uchiha panted, then saw the redhead sitting in front of a desk, doing some delicate woodworking.

Realising there was an intruder, a knife came flying by right at Itachi’s head. Sasori turned around, only to see the intruder was Itachi.

Upon observing the puppeteer with a keen eye, Itachi finally discovered the origins of Sasori’s eerie calmness against Deidara’s antics.

A pair of earmuffs with 31 decibels worth of attenuation.

Equipped with polyurethane earplugs underneath as an additional line of defence.

“Jashin damn you, Akasuna!” The raven broke down, effectively admitting his humiliating defeat in the war of foresight.

* * *

Footnotes:

[1]: Kyara is a type of high – quality agarwood. It has a distinctive sweet and musky scent, with an end note of subtle bitterness.  
[2]: Neither does the author.  
[3]: Deidara’s story is based on some event that actually happened I witnessed.  
[4]: See Rock Lee’s Springtime of Youth chronicles.  
[5]: Please, ffs people, get your minds out of the gutter. I’m not writing lemons in this series. Especially not if Itachi’s around.  
[6]: I highly doubt it’s C∞v.  
[7]: For an auditory description, see “Sexy als ik dans”.


	2. Tuesday

Tuesday  
3:01 AM

It was time to put his genius plan into effect, Deidara thought, as he placed a wireless speaker in front of Itachi’s door.

He cranked the device up to maximum volume, and tiptoed to Sasori – no – Danna’s bedroom.

Deidara knocked on Sasori’s door, “Danna?”

A minute later, a drowsy redhead came to the door, hair actually messier than usual.

“Yes, brat?”

“I’m going to pull a prank on the Uchiha, un.”

Sasori snapped out of his current low – battery state, jolting awake, “You are not serious, brat. I do not even want to think about what could happen if Itachi’s beauty sleep was interrupted halfway through.”

The blond scoffed, puffing out a stream of air from his nostrils, “Tch! Sasori – no – Danna, I thought you amuse yourself with the suffering of others, un. I’m so disappointed that you refused this deal.”

“There’s a thick red line between risking my life and not risking my life for the sake of fun, brat, in case you haven’t noticed.”

As the Socratic method of questioning failed its purpose by a poorly executed prompt, Deidara had to resort to emotional manipulation.

“Sasori – no – Danna?” The sculptor pouted with puppy eyes, “Please?”

The redhead felt his heart collapsing into a bowl of mush. He cannot even bring himself to curse the manipulative brat, but only to fulfil the brat’s request at all costs. Jashin damn his underlying softness.

“Alright brat, come inside.” The puppeteer opened up the door for Deidara, whilst the latter made himself comfortable on the bed that was not his. Sasori, holding himself accountable for the mess of a situation he dragged himself into, lashed out at Deidara to get his fractured dignity back into a single piece, “The next time I see you do something on the cost of me, brat, the other price to pay is your life. Understood?”

Using a spare hand, Deidara closed the door. The entire casket of puppetry tools were carried in front of the door as a barricade.

Being the ever – pessimistic nihilist he was, the engineering student muttered to himself, “Somehow I don’t have a good feeling about this.” Knowing the intensity of rage Itachi was capable of, he shifted the bed so that it was blocking the door. Against the windows, metal bars as a safety measure were already installed, hence there was no need to reinforce the glass panels.

“Ready, un?”

“Guess so, brat.” Obviously unenthusiastic at his premature death.

When Deidara pressed on the play button, music came blaring through the floorboards.

The engineering student putted on his earmuffs, cringing at the brat’s choice of music.

Not the volume.

The volume was never exactly the problem, unlike the Uchiha’s royal eardrums. Besides, an engineer sometimes works in loud environments, a little pre - emptive conditioning was always good.

Five minutes passed.

No angry Itachi stomping downstairs.

No sounds of devices being broken with a sledgehammer.

Sasori was drifting off to dreamland, but was woken up by the brat shaking him frantically.

“Sasori – no – Danna,” Deidara took off the pair of ear defenders, “did I accidentally kill the Uchiha or something, un?”

“Not sure, brat.” Sasori yawned, grabbing his rightful earmuffs back, “Thought you would all be good riddance or something.”

“I am, un!” Deidara huffed, “But isn’t it a bit too sudden, yeah? Dropping dead like this. Maybe I should check on him.”

“The keys are probably in the jar next to the dining table, brat. I’m going back to sleep.” While shoving the sculptor out of the room, and locked the door.

Before the chemistry student was about to walk upstairs, he realised he left his phone in Sasori’s room, “Hey, un!” Then kicked on the door as an alternative to knocking, “I left my phone in there, Danna!”

“Too bad, brat.” Was the muffled reply. It takes no genius to imagine Sasori’s sadistic smile on his face right at the moment.

Deidara smirked, as a genius plan materialised, “Danna, I have seven alarms set on my phone spanning from half – past six to seven AM, each at five – minute intervals, un.”

The door opened instantaneously.

Out came the phone tossed right into Deidara’s arms, and the door was locked closed again.

Yet the death metal was still blasting at full volume.

The blond paused the music, and entered Itachi’s room.

Said Uchiha was sleeping peacefully on his bed, hair as straight as ever.

And… was there something brightly coloured underneath the hair covering his ears?

Using a single finger, the coverage was lifted, exposing a set of earplugs.

Deidara stomped as quietly as he could out of the Uchiha room away from the up and coming humiliation.

\------

Tuesday  
7:00 AM

There goes Deidara’s second attempt in sneaking into the kitchen.

He was so going to prove Sasori – no – Danna and the Jashin – damned Uchiha wrong.

Cooking was never this difficult. At least, not on the level of difficulty column chromatography was capable of.

As the cabinet storing pots and pans were opened, he realised the facility was already stored to the brim.

A single pull can destabilise racks upon racks of metal instruments.

The entire stash fell down as if they were commanded by Jashin’s Holy Orders, making a deafening clank upon collision with the floor tiles.

Deidara froze on the spot as if Medusa’s decapitated head had appeared in front of him.

Only did the entire overfill erupt onto the floor, pots and pans stabilised their spiralling, had Deidara whispered out his exclamation, “Well… Fuck.”

But the little setback shall not discourage the sculptor.

He grabbed a frying pan, couple slices of bread, some jamon serrano, and cheese. All hail cheese.

It was unpractical, not to mention overly salty, if the entire stash of ham and cheese were dumped between two slices of bread. According to his observations of Sasori – no – Danna last night, first get the knife, and second trim out a piece of food.

Not saw, trim. Sawing something off was far too disturbing.

Great job at keeping a rather uniform thickness, Deidara, thanks to your hands that were not shaky because of the earlier practice gained from adding reagents drop by drop out of a syringe.

Pan, nice and hot [1].

Place the ham and cheese between two slices of bread.

Bread, into the pan. Medium flame, gently toast the bread until it was light brown.

When smoke is coming out from the pan, flip.

Serve warm. Burning one’s mouth was never enjoyable.

Deidara has an observant eye coupled with some rigorous chemistry training, gauging the extent of browning according to the amount of smoke rising from beneath the bread was not an especially hard task.

It actually smelt nice.

Congratulations, brat. Maybe you were not entirely stupid, after all.

Just when Deidara was planning to dig in, a distinctly Uchiha voice inserted its presence, “Was that a tosti, Iwa?”

“What’s a tosti, un?” Deidara wondered, until he finally brought himself in front of the elephant in the room, “How did you got here, Uchiha, un?”

“Walking, Iwa.”

“Uchiha, I mean, why are you even here?”

“I had to check out the crashing noises. Sufficient to say, Iwa, this is exactly the reason behind why do not I trust you in the kitchen. By the way, please do clean up the mess on the floor.”

The blond blanked in total awkwardness at the swamp of cutlery and cooking equipment. He then coughed with a smirk, “What about if I didn’t, Uchiha? Boil me alive in a hot cauldron of oil, un?”

“Then I will tell Sasori about your sketchbook filled with erotic drawings of yourself, Iwa.”

Deidara nearly casted his food away, bending down at the threat to sort differently sized pans back into their original positions in hope of Itachi not exposing his secret.

“Uchiha, why did you even know that sketchbook of mine? I never remember telling you it, un.”

Itachi slid his phone out. After searching through the list of recordings, he pinpointed the one he filmed the night where Deidara was dead drunk.

Before the weasel clicked play on the video, the blond voiced his complaint. “Alright, Uchiha, that’s enough, un.” The sculptor was now dead embarrassed over his previos dead drunken antics. “No need to lynch me for the second time.” He was sweatdropping mercury beads whilst maintaining the half – smirk.

“You are hopeless, Iwa.”

“So are you, Uchiha. Being the one who would actually clean up the mess Sasuke and Orochimaru leaves behind, un.”

\------

Tuesday  
10:30 AM

Deidara glared at Itachi, obviously not appreciating the presence of Uchihas and solely Uchihas.

Itachi returned an apathetic look.

“Uchiha?”

“What is the matter, Iwa?”

“Why is Sasori – no – Danna still asleep, un?”

“Maybe, Iwa, he is just tired from the racket you have made last night and this morning.”

The chemistry student gaped, “What the hell, Uchiha, you actually heard the death metal under your earplugs, un?”

“So it was you who broke into my room last night, Iwa.” The raven picked up the boiling kettle, and poured some cold water inside to cool the liquid down to optimum temperature.

“Yeah, so?” Denial was useless. “You going to sue me, a poor student, un?”

“If that is what you think, Iwa, then you are entirely mistaken. You are not worth the trouble of hiring a lawyer then going through the legal process.”

Deidara grinded the coffee beans into shards, letting out his anger from being provoked on the innocent plant material, “And you are not worth the trouble of thinking a comeback, Uchiha, un.” He then inspected the approximate width of the result, deeming them appropriate for the water temperature.

“Iwa, have I told you that you are starting to sound like Sasori?”

There were several dull banging noises from a door leading to a certain room. A muffled voice shouted from inside, “Can you two tune the volume down by half? There are people who are trying to sleep.”

“It’s already half past ten, Sasori – no – Danna!” Deidara yelled back, “Wake the fuck up, un!”

“Don’t want to, brat.” Sasori yawned, oblivious to Itachi brewing cups of coffee. Perhaps, the aroma of coffee beans could wake the engineering student out of his peaceful slumber.

Continuous motion of bean grinding was abruptly stopped. The blond stood up from his seat, and grabbed the set of keys corresponding to every door in the house, “Thought you had a no – waiting policy, Sasori – no – Danna, un. ‘I hate waiting and I hate making people wait’.”

“You have already answered your question. Check the assumptions my premise operates on, brat. Making people wait, and chemistry students doesn’t count as humans.”

Itachi swore his inner MRI felt Deidara had a brain aneurysm. “I do not have a good feeling about this, Iwa.”

“Who cares, Uchiha?” All that was in the sculptor’s mind at the moment was ripping Sasori out of his comfy bed.

“Wait, Iwa.”

“What, Uchiha?”

“I have an idea, Iwa. I learnt this from Shisui several years ago – he used the identical procedure to wake me up. Go to the frozen compartment of the refrigerator, there is a jar of marbles inside. Pour the marbles under Sasori’s blankets, and he will be up immediately.”

Deidara’s devilish smirk reappeared on his face, “Gotcha, un.” And he walked inside Sasori’s room with the aforementioned weapon.

A minute passed.

There was not even a squeak from the redhead.

Five minutes passed, Sasori lazily half – opened his eyes, “Anything to tell, brat?”

“How have you not felt it, Danna, un?”

“Not felt what, brat? The only thing I felt is you not speaking clearly.”

“The marbles, un!”

The puppeteer smirked, lifting the blanket of camouflage. Underneath was another layer, wrapped closely around his body, an effective shielding from the marbles.

“Chiyo tried the same trick on me before, brat. Even though the action didn’t harm me, but the judicial system punishes by malicious intentions. So brat, bring me my breakfast in bread. Make it snappy.”

“Nope.”

“Then I’m going back to sleep, brat.”

“You aren’t sleeping, Danna, un.” Deidara stuck both his arms under Sasori, dragging him and the blanket chrysalis simultaneously away from the bed. Over the corridor to the dining room, and plopped the petit redhead down onto a chair.

“Still gonna sleep, Danna? There’s coffee here, your favourite drink, un. And your cup is going to be mine if you are going back to sleep.”

“Coffee isn’t my favourite drink, brat. It’s green tea.”

“I thought you told me it’s coffee, Danna!”

“There are no restrictions on the amount of favourite drinks one could have. Besides, whichever favourite drink is determined by a mixture of personal emotions and the frequency of consumption of said drink. So, brat, the rankings could oscillate all the time.”

The blond spluttered at Sasori’s actually quite coherent excuse which made a lot of sense. Time to bring out his puppy eyes of doom, since it has a failure rate of zero on everyone.

Physical barrier such as the one the engineering student has erected around his mind prevented the intended functioning of Deidara’s puppy eyes upon him. Closed eyes, already half – asleep.

Itachi scoffed at Deidara’s infamous persuasion techniques, “You are only wasting your time, Iwa, by using useless tactics such as this.”

“And I don’t see you providing me with a working one, Uchiha, un.”

“Leave it to me, Iwa. I have an idea.” Itachi said, while approaching dangerously close to Sasori. He then addressed the redhead who was dozing off amidst the blankets, “Sasori, Iwa deleted all your versions of structural design optimisation calculations for Sandaime.”

Sasori was suddenly wide awake at the news, jumping out of the cuddly bundle he swaddled himself in, “Deidara did what?” Instead of the usual ‘brat’, the brat’s first name was used as a replacement to enhance the severity of the situation.

Chuckles from said brat became a full – out guffaw after seeing the twist in events. Once Deidara was finished wiping off the drool hung off from the edges of his mouth due to incessant laughter, he took a deep breath, “Oh, nothing, Sasori – no – Danna, it’s only a joke, un. Look at how scared you were, I should’ve filmed it and send it to Kankurou.”

“Thanks to you and Itachi, brat, I can’t sleep.”

The chemistry student closed his eyes in pure pleasure and bliss, leaning back towards the chair he was sitting in, “The more the merrier, Danna, un.”

Karma for Deidara was then payed back in the form of the puppeteer throwing a cup of coffee onto the blond’s prized hair. The drink was commented as such, “This is for you making such a stupid joke, brat.”

\------

Tuesday  
1:03 PM

“Sasori – no – Danna,” Deidara complained, hair wild from the previous washing, “I’m bored, un.” Somehow Itachi’s shampoos does not exactly fit the chemistry student’s hair type or something.

“Then entertain yourself, brat.”

“But it’s much more fun having you to join!”

Sasori hummed, “How about you let me crossdress you, brat? That is fun. Or maybe do something actually productive, like working on eternal art.”

“I’ll take the Uchiha’s motorboat out for a ride then, un.”

“Unless you want to capsize then drown, brat. Your skills aren’t zero, they are negative.” The puppeteer took a breadstick out of the batch Itachi has so kindly made earlier, munching on one end while drawing out quite the beautiful Rayleigh wave. He then glanced at Deidara’s reading material, “Besides, I see you entertaining yourself already, brat. Why drag me into something else?”

The sculptor scoffed, “As if this reading –” He waved the report in front of Sasori’s face, allowing his senior to take a good long look at the contents, “– could be a form of entertainment! After I get back, it’s undergrad research time with Nawaki, un. Man, I miss Gari.”

“Nawaki Senju?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s Tsunade’s younger brother.”

“So, what’s the deal about, un?”

The redhead set his tablet into snooze in order to let out his sob story, “I sincerely hope he does not pass his sister’s gambling habits onto you, brat. Don’t you dare to get the idea I’m concerned about your well – being, this is only because Chiyo got corrupted by Tsunade.” The façade of being entirely emotionless was torn off by Deidara’s smirk.

“At least I have the entire four years’ worth of my tuition money already safely into my bank account long ago, password changed and all. Even if she was entirely broke, which she nearly is, I can still make a decent living out of selling puppets. And brat, was that psilocybin you were reading about?”

Deidara grinned, scrolling down the paper so that all tell – tale signs were eradicated, “Make a guess, Danna, un.”

“A positive.”

“Yep. Still very much on practice with your fascination with poisons, Sasori – no – Danna.”

“Which raises a relevant question – why are you reading about this, brat? Last time I checked, you weren’t interested in the topic.”

“It’s just several papers that makes up a case study about its synthesis, un. Don’t want to let Nawaki think of me as some dumb sucker. And the molecule is something small and simple, yet chemists had a hard time figuring out a commercial synthesis method.”

“Brat,” Sasori sighed, breadstick hanging out of his mouth, “You don’t need to let Nawaki think of you as a dumb sucker. You are already one, there’s no need for additional confirmations.”

In the nick of time, Itachi walked into Sasori’s room, now also duly occupied by Deidara, with an airhorn.

After he successfully shattered both artists’ eardrums with the absurdly loud sound, he finally spoke, “Iwa, Sasori. Does both of you want to participate in a tour around and along a nearby fjord?”

When Deidara was about to kill Itachi over the obnoxious noise he has created as some sort of a revenge, the puppeteer handed the Uchiha a piece of paper, on it which wrote: Itachi, please communicate with me using writing from now on, as you have made me deaf, and I’m not in the mood to learn sign language.

Itachi folded the sheet of paper into a square, “Sasori, all of us here know clearly that you are not deaf.”

“And all of us here know clearly that you’re blind, Uchiha, un.”

“Iwa, out of the three of us, you are the most likely to become deaf and blind. Explosions are far louder than the airhorn I blew a minute ago, and they send out shard of materials at high speeds that could penetrate your retina while severing your optic nerve.”

“Not so soon, Itachi. I bet the brat’s going to die from solvent toxicity before he even gets a chance on releasing a large – scale explosion.”

The weasel putted down the mug held in his hand onto Deidara’s tablet, tea in it half – finished and already disgustingly lukewarm, “How much are you willing to bet on it, Sasori?”

“Chiyo’s entire Chikamatsu collection.” Of course the engineering student would not bet on a puppet of his own.

“You are on.” Itachi was certain he could sell the collection for a hefty price, as he knew the people who were willing to spend massive amounts of money over such objects.

Deidara protested, while closing his list of syntheses methods and routes due to the distraction, “Hey, un! Don’t take my potential injuries as something to bet money on! I deserve better than that, you know, because of my status as an artist.”

“The treatment you deserve has no definite connection with your self – proclaimed status as an artist, Iwa.” Itachi looked at the blond in distain of his subpar reasoning.

“And brat, for someone who took an admissions test about thinking skills to enrol yourself under chemistry, you are certainly lacking in the department of thinking skills despite all the previous training and practice.”

The raven sat down on his desk, now owned by Mister Akasuna, and flipped through one of the reference papers the puppeteer printed as a handy reading to keep his brain tuned. He then returned to the news he brought in, “Back to the topic at hand. Iwa and Sasori, as we have traversed an entire ocean to come to this place, we should put our time into good use. I believe it is best for us to spend some time swimming in the fjords.”

Sasori smirked, stretching his stiff limbs, “Sure, Itachi. Just remember to bring a safety vest along, in case the brat drowns himself.”

This prompted Deidara to snap back, “I thought you were the one who told me to put my time into good use instead of wasting it on useless activities such as this, Danna!”

“People can always change, brat.” The scorpion rolled his eyes and his pen simultaneously.

“So what happened to your eternity shit, un? Have you finally realised that art is fleeting?”

“Not exactly, but please be aware that change is the only eternal constant, brat. Therefore, for all your talks about transience, brat, it all boils down to eternity. The end.” Sasori was applying sunscreen over his torso, while drawling out the words slowly to provoke. The picture of the brat gaping at his statement was so sufficiently beautiful, even picturesque maybe.

Deidara’s forehead nearly sprung out from the attached skeleton underneath because of its rapid jumping around.

\------

Tuesday  
1:40 PM

The trio got into Itachi’s motorboat.

Definitely the one who becomes the captain shall be the Uchiha. He was the only one with the adequate training and experience.

Sasori was rubbing sunscreen on Deidara’s back, Itachi congratulating himself innately for the improvement in relationship between the artists. Maybe if the weasel pushed from under the surface for a bit longer, he could get his hands on some boys’ love.

“Uchiha,” the blond asked, enjoying the massage from Sasori – no – Danna, “why wasn’t Sasuke along on this trip? Thought he always wanted to cling to his successful older brother’s shadow or something, un.”

“Shisui and Obito wanted to take him out on a fishing trip because of familial bonding, Iwa.”

The redhead did not exactly care about the conversation, only the last few words elicited his suspicion. “A fishing trip, Itachi? To where? Please do not tell me it’s Finland.”

“It is indeed Finland, Sasori. More exactly, lake Päijänne.”

“I swear, Itachi, Jashin is probably against me or something. Chiyo and Ebizou are also at lake Päijänne at the moment. I don’t even dare to imagine what will happen if they meet your brother.”

“Maybe I can distract you from your misery with some productive activities, Danna.” Deidara grinned. He dug a fistful of seawater across the edge of the boat, squirting the helping onto Sasori.

Grimace did the scorpion. He hated getting his clothes wet.

“If that is what you meant by productive activities, brat, then you should seriously rethink your life choices.”

“Maybe, just maybe, un. You will never know, Sasori – no – Danna.” The chemistry student was his mischievous self again. Seawind blowing in his face were jabbing strands of hair into his eyes, and thus Deidara was pulling his hair into a bun, the one reserved for chemistry practicals.

\------

Tuesday  
3:32 PM

Deidara peered at his phone after his fishing trip.

There were two missed calls from Gari.

He then returned the favour, “Gari?”

The one on the other side audibly gasped, “What happened, Dei? I thought you were dead!” Such a drama queen.

“Nope, yeah.” Deidara grinned, about to brag his vacation story out loud, “Just went swimming with Sasori – no – Danna and Itachi.”

“Do you want to know why have I called you?”

“Go ahead, un.”

“The scores from the prelims are out an hour ago.”

“Oh.”

“That’s it, Dei? I thought you were going to scream.”

“Eh, it’s nothing huge, un. Don’t blame me for you not using open courses, yeah. That’s a trick Danna taught me long ago. And he tutored me for free when it comes to maths.”

“Jashin,” Gari went onto a complain session, mostly because of his barely satisfactory results obtained from nights of labour, “you are such a bitch, Dei, with your Danna this and Danna that. Bless your hearts if you sweet lovebirds are going to get married some day or another. I’m going back to sleep.” His gigantic yawn was heard clearly by Deidara, whom being the helpful one he always was, ended the call on Gari’s behalf.

Or maybe he just does not want Gari eavesdropping on his conversations.

Ten seconds later, the brat barged right into the shower which Sasori was occupying, ready to tell his Danna the news.

“Haven’t you heard the existence of something called knocking, brat?” The redhead was shampooing his hair, making his reply under the mesh of bubbles. He wiped the soap running down away to prevent having to taste it when opening his mouth.

“The results from the prelims are out, un.”

“Anything more to add? If no, get out.” Merciless as always, Sasori.

“Love you too, Danna.” Deidara smirked, slamming the door shut on his way out.

There were two showers in Itachi’s vacation house, and both of them were being used at the moment. The Uchiha was a clean freak, and Sasori – no – Danna was an impatient arse and a clean freak.

Perhaps the blond could lounge around the backyard under the sun when none of them had make up their minds to get out from warm water and nice – smelling body detergents yet.

Deidara lay on the wooden chair, covered with towels to increase their comfort level, and closed his eyes. He allowed his mind to drift and wonder off to nowhere, flipping through his memories and elaborating on them.

‘Sorry, Miss, I have a question, un.’ At the end of one of his tutorial sessions, Deidara decided to throw out a question he had.

‘Yes, Deidara?’

‘How are large conjugated alkene systems constructed?’

The tutor rolled her eyes, ‘You can read the literature up by yourself.’ Then left.

At the recollection of the unfortunate events, the chemistry student sat up in anger. What was the drawback in answering a harmless little question by a freshman? Perhaps the tutor was hungry, and needed to have her dinner as soon as possible.

No – the answer should also be short and concise. Palladium catalysed carbon – carbon coupling. Only a single sentence with five words that could be spoken in ten seconds.

Never has Deidara appreciated Itachi as much as he currently does, as the Uchiha decided to save him from his misery before it spirals out of control into a valley of depression.

“Iwa, I am here to tell you that both showers are now empty.”

Nevertheless, the sculptor could not resist himself taking random jabs at the raven, “Uchiha, and I’m here to tell you that your shampoo is crap, un.”

“Please be aware, Iwa, that it is not my fault, nor anyone else’s fault, about the fact which your hair could not tolerate a switch – up in cleansers. This certain brand I purchased is the best out of the all I have tried.” Itachi expressed his obvious distaste towards Deidara’s habit of making a big deal out of unimportant occurrences, while turning major concerns miniscule, “In addition, Iwa, if your hair does not tolerate a change – up in pH well, you should not swim in the ocean. Yet, from the events that happened over an hour ago, you did.”

The blond scoffed, “Well, Uchiha, there are more additives in shampoos than plain buffers, un.”

“Next time, Iwa, just bring your own. I will kindly remind you about it if you were invited on a trip.” Sometimes Deidara’s bitching could use a simple termination, the Uchiha sighed. Stuck with someone who holds a grudge against Uchihas and a sassy dickhead simultaneously.

What a life.

\------

Tuesday  
5:14 PM

Sasori looked up from his notes when he heard his phone rang.

The caller was of course, Chiyo. That old hag who nearly took his tuition fees to gamble.

She was aging rapidly, with her hearing failing at a similar rate. Hence she never talks properly into the microphone, she instead hollers and yells.

But that detail was relatively unimportant, as the puppeteer was already prepared for the worst news his grandmother could deliver.

“Sasori?” The retired medical worker screamed into the phone. Her grandson had to tune down the speaker volume to prevent the voice causing pain to him.

“What’s the matter, granny?”

“Ohho, you won’t believe what happened today! Ebizou and I were fishing, and we met the cousins of your friend!”

Finally the scorpion’s predictions came true. He breathed into the phone, “Shisui and Obito?”

“Yes! And their youngest cousin Sasuke! He is such a handsome young lad!”

“I don’t like him.” Sasori deadpanned to his grandma, “He has no respect for art.”

Chiyo scolded her direct and rude grandson, “Sasori! Sasuke’s only fourteen, he still has plenty of time to change! Unlike you, who’s so stubborn at such a young age.” The old lady tried to hammer proper manners and behaviours into the redhead since he started to talk, but failed dastardly after the death of both the engineering student’s parents. Guy only became a full – blown sassy schmuck then.

“Alright granny,” the engineering student pulled an excuse out of his tight buttoned sleeve, “a friend’s calling me. Goodbye.”

Good riddance. Sigh. What an old gasbag.

At least Tsunade was not loitering around Chiyo and gambling near her.

Talking about a blonde like Tsunade, quite the feminine blond slipped into the previous conversation. Slipping was underrated, sashaying was the better way to go.

“Well, well, Sasori – no – Danna. What do we have over here, un? A friend’s calling me. Did you miss me so much to bring me out as an excuse?” At the same time, Deidara ruffled Sasori’s unkempt hair, which the elder flinched at the contact.

“By friend, brat, I was referencing to Itachi.”

The chemistry student laid back into the other man’s bed, marvelling at the softness of the blankets, “Danna, that counts as false advertisement, un. Something can be clothed as a lie without bad repercussions, but if the audience makes the wrong deduction of the exact object that you’re referencing to, the lie becomes a dirty lie.”

Sasori merely flipped to another page of his notes for revision and further editing, “If you grab a random person and ask them whether was I referencing to Itachi or you with that sentence of mine, brat, the chances to get either answer are roughly fifty – fifty. Hence it is no false advertisement, the only false advertising here was an overactive imagination being treated as reality by your dramas.”

“Overractive imagination, un?” The sculptor smirked, recalling his interactions with Sasori – no – Danna where the redhead spewed more secrets than he technically should, “I remember you actually imagining of publishing something under Akasuna, S., et al. under Nature Communications, Danna?”

“For the record, brat,” Sasori jabbed back, “NC is rubbish when it comes to physics and engineering. Also material sciences. You could put virtually any crap into graphene and get published on there [2]. I am a lot of things, but falling to that level is a never.” After seeing Deidara’s horror in hearing his own plan backfiring hard, the scorpion continued in his pursuit of the latter’s suffering, “Besides, hearing this from the one who actually dreamt of being Iwa, D. on the JACS front cover is quite ironic, is it not?”

Deidara tried to bring the circle around to a full stop, “Sasori – no – Danna, you have no proof about the claim of me dreaming about it, un.”

The redhead unlocked his phone and slid through the list of recordings, until the one labelled as ‘brat on JACS’ was found.

“Then why not take a good look at what I have found, brat? I have the habit of collecting intriguing things, and amusements falls under my collection.”

Itachi, being the friend he was, lent Deidara a helping hand for the second time.

“Iwa, Sasori. As interesting as it might be to hear your lover’s quarrel, I just received a call from Shisui. And I believe the news concerns you both.”

* * *

Footnotes:

[1]: Yes, this is a Ramsay reference.  
[2]: Wang, Lu, Zdenek Sofer, and Martin Pumera. “Will Any Crap We Put Into Graphene Increase Its Electrocatalytic Effect?” _ACS Nano_ 14.1 (2020): 21-25.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone's going to do a parody drawing of the JACS front cover featuring Iwa, D., I love you.


	3. Wednesday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hypothesis: Sasori is autistic.
> 
> The guess is made by someone who is a diagnosed autist. Further discussions concerning this topic is most appreciated.

Wednesday  
9:30 AM

Sasori walked into the dining room holding two pans.

A metallic resonating noise weirdly resembling one coming from a gong reflected throughout the entire building, scaring both Deidara and Itachi.

“Alright princesses, wake up and eat. The food’s in the kitchen. Brat, bring those plates to the table.” The redhead washed his hands in the sink, as they were tainted by the oily handles of the pans. He was far too lazy to brew himself a coffee from the bean, thus taking a bag of pre – grinded beans conveniently placed inside the filter by machinery under a nitrogen atmosphere instead – coffee beans oxidise easily.

Open the plastic cover. Hang the handles across the rim of the mug. Fill with hot water. The end.

The sculptor had already started munching on a slice of strawberry souffle stuck in his mouth, both free hands carrying plates of food. After swallowing the piece of cake, he grinned, crumbs falling out from the edge of his mouth, “Nice cooking, Sasori – no – Danna, un. This is much better than the Uchiha’s.”

“At least, Iwa, I do not feel the urge to grill a lettuce for a Caesar salad.” Itachi retorted, exposing some more data inside Deidara’s Hall of Shame back in high school.

Sasori kicked the blond in the knees, the latter bending down at the impact, taking this as a signal to clean up the trail of crumbs he left. Deidara grimaced in discomfort while bickering with the weasel, always the multitasker, “And you’re not much better, Uchiha, un. All you can cook decently is…” He tried to recall the name of the light meal, yet failed to, “what was that again, yeah?”

“Tosti.” The raven completed the chemistry student’s sentence, “Next time, Iwa, before you argue with someone, please conduct the necessary background research.”

“Itachi,” Sasori hummed, “as far as I’m concerned, nobody in your household makes tosti. Why and how have you learnt to make it?”

“As I have said earlier, one of my family’s main factory plants is near Antwerp. This is the reason behind the statistic that around one – third of our employees are from across the border. During lunch break, some of them, after returning from a trip to the nearby supermarket with boxes of ham and cheese, would make tosti out of the ingredients. It is something cooked fast, and also provided enough energy for them to go through their afternoon shift, which coincides with the priorities when students choose food.”

The redhead poured some hot water below boiling into the filter thirty millilitres at a time, “Regarding the news from last afternoon, I’m surprised that Chiyo hid Tsunade so well.”

“The worst is yet to come, Sasori.”

“The worst?” Sasori tutted, “That Tsunade and Chiyo taught Sasuke how to gamble?”

“Orochimaru’s there on the reason to visit his old colleague Tsunade.”

A strangled cough came out from the puppeteer at the news.

The two parties involved fell silent, until the silence was somehow always broken by the loud brat, “Well that was unexpected, un.”

“Quiet!” Two men with non – humanoid symbolisms as names roared simultaneously.

Deidara sniggered while holding some coffee in his mouth, a few drops of the liquid dripping out from his nostrils, “Hey, no need to get your panties in a bunch, un.” The evident difference in osmotic pressures between coffee and tissue fluids irritated his nose, and he grabbed the box of tissues from Itachi.

Itachi handed over the blond’s desired item, chest becoming far heavier at both the arrival of Orochimaru and Deidara’s sloppiness, “Have I told you, Sasori, that you were not the only one who was hit on by Orochimaru?”

“I thought that was implied, Itachi.”

“Only that the implied party was nobody else than me.” The Uchiha sighed.

“Doesn’t Orochimaru work at my old high school? Or did he worked at yours before, but somehow you got him fired?” Sasori wondered aloud, plucking grilled tomatoes off the vine and onto his sourdough bread.

“Correct.” Itachi grimaced at the sight of tomatoes. He disliked the fruit, however since both artists were rather neutral towards it, he had to tolerate it on the dining table instead of the trash bin where it belongs.

The long – haired artist caught onto Itachi’s story, because of the time stamp on which it occurred happened to be at the years when both men spent lots of time with each other in high school, yet he had not heard of it. He smirked, paraphrasing the raven’s earlier sentence, “Uchiha, don’t you think the story’s a bit too juicy not to tell me back in high school, un?”

“Because, Iwa, if I had told you back then, both of us can guarantee the story will spread across the entire campus in less than two days, corrupted variations in the storyline included.”

“Question, Itachi.” The scorpion smelt a loophole in Itachi’s telling of the story.

“Yes, Sasori?”

“Sex offenders, especially one that harassed a minor, are forbidden from engaging in teaching if the charge was confirmed. Why was he still allowed to work at a secondary education institution afterwards?”

“I got him fired for a different reason, as there were not any relevant evidences which could support what he should be charged.”

“Jokes to be you, Uchiha, un.”

“Nobody is prepared for being sexually harassed, Iwa.”

There were not any fruits around to serve as a snack for the three, since some of the Uchiha’s stocked items ran out. Sasori sighed as he recalled the last time Itachi shared some of his premium fruits for the bunch, muscat grapes from Alexandria. It has a distinct flowery aroma as its top note, with a sweet aftertaste.

Nobody shall be blamed for disliking fruits when they have not even eaten delicious fruits. Real fruits.

He called himself a connoisseur of high - quality items. And what currently piqued his interest were fruits in the surrounding woodlands.

Berries.

Simply delicious.

Sasori nearly salivated at the mere thought, but only he maintained enough composure to not.

“Itachi, you should get us some fruits.”

Itachi was cleaning up the table, dirty plates into the dishwasher. Some pots and pans stained with especially stubborn condiments would need to be soaked in hot water for a couple hours. He gave Deidara a disapproving stare in the blond’s lack of participation in the first and last parts of the cook – eat – clean cycle, “Very well, Sasori. I will drive to the nearest supermarket to buy some.”

Sasori scoffed, “Those are disgustingly tasteless.”

Unaware of what had the puppeteer planned for him, the weasel fell right into the trap, “If that is the case, we should go to a nearby mountain forest for some berry picking. Are your botany skills still fresh, Sasori?”

“Fresh enough to identify what are safely edible and what not.” The redhead smirked, seeing his plan already in action, “Even though I hate to admit it, but Chiyo taught me well.”

Before Deidara could grab his second slice of the souffle, he was greeted by a strong tug on his hair by the Uchiha.

“Ow!” The blond massaged his injured scalp.

“Stop eating, Iwa. We, especially your Danna, would appreciate some help in the cleaning.”

\------

Wednesday  
11:00 AM

Itachi was starting to get the hang of driving a manual from the days of practice.

Under usual situations, he was quite the decent driver. Uchihas were always great at everything.

Yet the new free variable known as ‘Iwa’s complaining at the back seat’ was distracting him from the menial task.

Oh, Sasori – no – Danna, my life sucks, un, un, _un_! Fuck you Uchiha! Yeah!

No.

From the rear - view mirror, the weasel saw Deidara slumped against the seat, usual flaming ego already dwindled to a dying ember.

It was rather creepily horrifying to see the flamboyant noisy blond being reduced to such a pitiful state.

And thus, Itachi decided to express his concern, “You look unwell, Iwa. Was it motion sickness?”

“As much as your driving sucks, Uchiha, I’m not pathetic enough to have motion sickness, un.”

“Oh, it’s nothing, Itachi.” Sasori drawled, while opening a flask filled with freshly brewed green tea, “The brat’s just sulking over Hizashi.”

Deidara eyed the redhead took a sip out of the bottle, narrowing his eyes at the words which could be interpreted ambiguously, “Danna! I’m not sulking over Hizashi, un. It’s only about my proposal.”

“Right, brat.” The engineering student smirked, “Rephrasing you a bit, your proposal is actually crap but Hizashi never bothered to point it out, so you had to edit it heavily after getting the feedback from Nawaki earlier today.” He let out a long sigh in fake sympathy, “I’m feeling so bad for Hizashi and Nawaki, especially Nawaki, for putting up with the thing you call a proposal, brat.”

The chemistry student huffed at his elder’s insult, “And your first time writing a proposal didn’t come out as shit, un?”

“It was quite atrocious, now that I reread the document. But it was never to the level of having to completely redo the work, brat.” Despite the fact that Sasori kindly extended the critique to himself, the brat was not exempt from the sassy end of the double – edged sword.

“Hey, un! It’s not a complete rework. I just modified the stuff so that it’s more on the end of single – electron transfers.”

“Whatever, brat. Even though I know close to nothing about chemistry, I smell bullshit coming from you right now.” Of which Deidara flushed bright red at being exposed.

Trashing the entire fluorinated ligands into carbon – fluorine bond formation methodology through some weird molecule based on the design of the oxygen – evolving complex. A person with a functioning mind could recognise the sheer difference between the two, never mind the blond’s claim otherwise.

And props to Nawaki for actually spending the time to dissect Deidara’s entire reasoning and detangling the mesh of weird concepts into lace which the both accepted in the end. What a helpful postdoc if he was willing to put up with such a brat.

When the chemistry student was in the process of opening his mouth as the first muscle – coordinated step to make a squeak, the Uchiha slammed on the brakes.

He knew that Sasori has the habit of fastening his seatbelt, but not Deidara.

Therefore, in line with his predictions, the sculptor was thrown forwards whilst his head collided with the front seat.

Deidara grimaced, clutching his forehead, “What the fuck, Uchiha?”

“Do not blame me for your mindless refusal to wear a seatbelt, Iwa.” In reality, the status of whether the seatbelt was worn or not was merely a selection criterion for Itachi to let out his pent – up anger caused by Deidara on Deidara.

“Truth to be told, Itachi,” Sasori smirked at the woodlands moving behind him, clearly enjoying the fresh air and scenery, as well as the blond’s suffering, “it’s a wonder that the brat hasn’t improved in his idea of safety despite his chemistry training virtually hammering safety into that thick skull of his for twelve hours a day.”

Itachi has already had a hypothesis for this phenomenon since he became acquainted with Deidara back in high school, and he was rather certain now it was the right time to spew the information out to the redhead.

“I believe it has something to do with Oonoki, Sasori.”

“Oh? Mind to elaborate?”

The two chattered on, oblivious to Deidara’s increasing frown at his personal history being dug up.

“He was rather openly disrespectful towards Iwa’s identity. Therefore, it should come as no surprise if Iwa uses violations of regulations, which includes breaking safety instructions, as his method of making his identity known.”

“Hmm, you have a point there.” The puppeteer took a stick of Itachi’s pocky under the raven’s watchful eye. Green tea has the unfortunate feature of scrubbing out lipids and sugars from food which one ingested, making the person potentially hypoglycemic. He mused to himself, “Ahwell. What do they call me? Someone with no theory of mind.”

“Sasori, theory of mind contains two parts – one when the amygdala is activated, and the other when the frontal cortex is activated. You may possibly lack the former, but the latter of yours is completely intact. I suggest a possible diagnosis of autism, based on my interactions with you.”

Sasori dispatched the weasel’s discovery away, hiding the new car pet below the carpet, “Whether am I diagnosed as autistic or not doesn’t matter. The thing is, even if I am, I can’t gain anything from it. So what’s the point at acquiring a diagnosis?”

“Hn.” Perhaps for once, Akasuna, you can bring a conclusion to yourself.

\------

Wednesday  
1:24 PM

Deidara was curled up on the sofa, boisterous outward demeanour long lost.

On average once per half a minute, a sigh from the living room was heard.

When the other two were munching happily on the berries they collected from the forest, the blond abstained from eating nature’s sweet treats.

“You’re not eating anything, brat.”

“I’m busy, Danna, un.”

“Busy what, brat? Busy preventing yourself from hyperventilating?” The scorpion stung at Deidara’s excessive sighing.

“Thinking about how to put my conversation with Nawaki into my proposal, un.”

“Brat, you’re starting to appear like those ladies – in – waiting from the times of old. With several servants at a time pestering them to have some fruits and going all concerned when the lady refuses to have any.” Sasori chewed on a cloudberry, the creamy yoghurt texture erupting from the burst surface, “Which is funny, brat, because you look exactly like a lady, even though your temperament’s quite unsuitable.”

“I’m going to drown myself in a river if I hear myself being described as feminine, yeah.” Deidara was far too hardly hit on his oversized ego by his researcher’s block, explaining the out of character reply.

The engineering student hummed, “And then become a nun after a bodhisattva saves you from your demise [1]? Which goes back to my original point, the fact that you then become a nun and not a monk.” With a smirk on his face, two overripe berries hit the chemistry student squarely on the forehead, flesh of the fruit splattering on impact.

Deidara narrowed his eyes at the puppeteer, yet could not resist himself taking a lick at the juice dripping downwards on his face.

It was fucking delicious.

Screw the stains of immorality and enlightenment. Go and eat the sinfully tasty berries.

“Sasori – no – Danna,” The blond chomped on the fruits stuffed to the death in his mouth, “Why do you always know how to cheer me up, un?”

“Because you’re so disgustingly easy to read, brat. And you being down doesn’t seems like you at all.”

“I have to agree, Sasori.” Itachi took a break out of warming teacups, which he turned to opening a brand - new bag of half – fermented oolong tea instead, “Iwa being down is a harrowing sight to witness. It seems wrong on so many different levels.”

“Why are you making tea, Uchiha, un?” The chemistry student tossed out another question.

“Because I am about to pay Shisui a call about Sasuke’s wellbeing.” Rumour claims that tea calms the mind.

“Put your phone on the loudspeaker, Uchiha. I need some juicy drama, un.” Deidara truly lived up to the old – lady nickname gave to him by Sasori, due to his uncanny interest in certain gossip, especially ones that involves his Danna and the Uchiha. The intersection was the best.

Itachi then rang up his cousin, after several monotone beeps from the service provider, Shisui answered the call.

“Well, well. Isn’t this my favourite cousin Itachi?” The other Uchiha grinned.

“How is Sasuke doing?”

“What, Itachi?” Shisui gave his own pout, which Sasori thought perhaps the brat has found himself an Uchiha he could actually get along with, “No asking me about how have I been doing? You’re so heartless.” Emotional manipulation by escalating situations for the win.

“I am rather certain that you can take care of yourself perfectly, however, Sasuke does not in contrast.”

“Quite well, in my own terms that is. Me and Obito are keeping him away from Orochimaru, you know, after all the –” the man with natural curls gave several suggestive winks, “– stuff he did to you.”

Itachi fumed at Shisui’s overly dramatic tone, a demonic aura surrounding his existance, “Shisui. Nothing happened per my consent between me and Orochimaru. Nothing.”

“My favourite cousin, just so you know, Sasuke’s all safe and sound. And Obito won several grands from Tsunade.”

Sasori groaned. Who knows, in the portion of money Obito newly acquired, how much were originally Chiyo’s.

On second thought, maybe none, since Tsunade was famed for her notoriously bad luck amongst casinos and gamblers alike.

There was a question that was concerning the scorpion at the moment, pestering him with churning in his stomach, “Shisui?” He spoke into the phone.

“Who are you?”

“Sasori Akasuna.”

“Oh! You’re the one who studies engineering that Itachi told me about!”

“Why do you speak about Tsunade as if you are very acquainted with her?”

“Long story.” Shisui whispered, making the story sound far more mysterious than it actually was, “But to make it short, the Uchiha family and the Senju family were once economic rivals. Until the two families allied when Madara and Hashirama had their bromance. We still are competitors nowadays, to some extent.” He stopped for a moment to recall his own inquiry, “Is Deidara around?”

The puppeteer raised a brow, “What prompted you to ask such a sudden question?”

“Geez, I don’t know!” Shisui put his phone on speakers for his cousin Obito to listen into, “Maybe it’s because you and Deidara are boyfriends?”

Sasori choked on air after hearing Shisui’s claim. Oy vey.

“Shisui.” He spluttered, velvety voice full of malice due to his failing to contain the mixture of anger and embarrassment, “Exactly what misinformation has Itachi been feeding you?”

Itachi broke in, cutting both parties that were on the line short, “Sasori, all of us understand perfectly that Iwa is de facto your boyfriend. Which is why, there is no issue with stating the situation as such.”

“The brat isn’t my boyfriend de jure, Itachi.” Sasori retaliated.

“The law of God, as in God the Truth, trumps the law of man, Sasori.”

“It may be as such, Itachi, but if the Devil turns upon yourself during the apocalypse when the law of God has been nullified, you have nothing but the law of man to defend yourself from the Devil. Therefore, both the law of God and man are at the same level with none higher than the other.” Out came the instantaneous comeback from the redhead.

The raven wondered whether was Sasori implying he, Itachi Uchiha, or was it Iwa, that was the Devil. If context has been taken into consideration, the answer was most likely the blond, although it was somehow undeniable and unlocatable it contains a portion of the former.

At the same time, Deidara got a full ego boost from being the centre of their conversation. “Sasori – no – Danna and Uchiha, no need to fight over me, un. There’s too much strife in love for you two to actually figure out a solution.” He grinned, “Maybe if I really am a lady of the old times, I’ll throw myself into a volcano instead, because it’s improper to get involved in affairs such as this.” Take that, Sasori – no – Danna, with your lady – in – waiting comment.

“And then become an immortal god?” The puppeteer scoffed at his junior’s sorry excuse, “You’re not worthy to deserve such a good ending, brat.”

Deidara had a lopsided smirk to indicate unlike what Sasori claimed, he was never becoming a deity in the first place, with several quotes to back his point up, “Sasori – no – Danna, God is Dead! Long live the Ubermensch!”

“Please, brat.” Sasori clicked his tongue, “The two ‘gods’ aren’t even the same deity, with very different contexts.”

Itachi sighed, very much willing to let his conversation with Shisui uninterrupted, “Sasori and Iwa, please find somewhere else to argue. I am engaging in a conversation with Shisui right now, and I would appreciate us undisturbed.” And took himself and his phone into his room, door locked.

The two artists blinked at each other, then shrugged.

\------

Wednesday  
3:07 PM

“Iwa, do you need some help with the mathematics involved?” Itachi offered his help to Deidara who was looking at molecular orbital approximations. Chemists nearly never solve the Schrodinger equation analytically.

At the indirect insult to his mathematical incompetence, the blond gnashed his teeth together, “Do I look like I need your help, Uchiha, un?”

“You do, Iwa.”

“I’m fine at linear algebra, Uchiha. Maybe I don’t exactly live up to your _Uchiha maths skills_ with your fancy proofs and theorems,” Deidara poured all the sarcasm he could conjure into his words, “I can understand what’s a basis of a space, un, and how does the vectors span the space.”

“It sounds rather unconvincing from you, Iwa, who could not even understand the connection between the null space of a matrix and the linear independence of its column vectors the last time I see you doing linear algebra.”

“You and your information are so outdated, Uchiha, un.” The chemistry student sneered at the disjunction of data, “That was before I improved from open courses.”

Sasori piped up at the open opportunity left by the unsaid credit, “And me tutoring the brat. It comes as a surprise, Itachi, considering how stupid the brat is, Gilbert Strang actually did the brat’s concepts well enough for him to understand the questions I tossed.”

The Uchiha took a hair tie from the box on the table, “I never knew you tutored Iwa, Sasori. My most sincere condolences.” He then proceeded to put his hair into his low ponytail, stumbling a bit here and there from his disrupted peace of mind.

“Much appreciated, Itachi. But I would appreciate it more if it’s more than just plain pretty words, a bit of action will be better. Actions speaks louder than words, they say.”

Deidara was getting increasingly irritated by the second at the two’s exchange of complaints towards the blond himself, “Sasori – no – Danna and Uchiha, you two can stop bitching about my maths skills, un. I mean, you never see me talking about how shitty at chemistry both of you are.”

“If only chemists need maths as much as a mechanical engineer or a mathematician needs chemistry, brat. So get your priorities straight.” Itachi slowly and surely nodded in approval and agreement.

Negative experiences were always something to forget. The chemistry student was recoiling from the damage to his ego, and to sweep the whole being the centre of the bullying business into the dumpster, just because chemists are jobless freaks who does not even know maths. He slithered around the room, as he tried to catch the presence of earmuffs and a good rebuttal.

Drug development – no. It was not the fifties anymore, when chemists would try out new molecules and tweak them manually.

His weird behaviour did not get unnoticed by Sasori.

“Brat, stop looking around. It’s a waste of time.” The engineering student had the all innocent smile stuck on, “I locked it up in my box of puppetry tools.”

\------

Wednesday  
5:23 PM

Thanks to the sculptor asking around the educational deans of the chemistry department, they managed to sieve through the pile of mess and gave him the relevant software license number which was registered under the university.

“Wow un. Finally.” Deidara rolled his eyes as the software package was installed on his laptop.

Perhaps installing calculation packages on a laptop was not the smartest thing to do, but that was exactly what the blond bought his gaming laptop for.

Excited state transitions, Laporte forbidden, spin forbidden. It was all these ‘forbidden’ that made breaking the rules so enjoyable. Exciting a molecule from its triplet ground state to the first singlet excited state was exactly spin forbidden, thus checking both singlet and triplet boxes on the program generated great happiness in Deidara.

Until his high was pulled into a low by the stick in the mud Sasori.

“Your laptop is trash, brat.”

The blond was kicked into reality from dreamland where he imagined himself being the developer of the CIS method and publishing a few conference papers based on it, “What, Sasori – no – Danna?”

“I hate repeating myself, brat. Your laptop is trash, I said.” Sasori’s patience was wearing thin.

“So?” Asking the obvious.

“Keep the number of roots down.”

\-----

Wednesday  
8:45 PM

Meanwhile at Chiyo’s, Ebizou was busy pulling his beard out from looking at his sister gamble with her bunch of degenerates.

And his sister randomly playing dead.

She actually used to be more mature when she was younger. So to say, perhaps people become increasingly immature while they step into old age.

Never had Ebizou felt such an intense pang of sympathy for his grandnephew, as he has put up with the elderly Chiyo for the great majority of his life.

Besides the childish antics of his sister, there were the Uchihas, long – time family acquaintances of Tsunade.

The little punk and the two older, yet equally unsophisticated hoodlums who taught their youngest cousin to underage gamble.

Taught, as in attempted but failed. The blame was fully on Obito the rebel, and Shisui could not risk himself being killed by Itachi for corrupting his foolish younger brother.

At least Orochimaru was gone.

“Oi, Shisui,” Obito took a shot out of Tsunade’s vodka, the influx of alcohol making him forgot the discarded mahjong tile which could be melded, “You wanna call Itachi?”

“I’m not sure, Obito.” Shisui tossed his tile of east wind into the pool, anticipating for Tsunade’s next loss, “If ‘tachi knows what were we up to, he might as well ask Sasori to poison us all.”

“Whatever, man. I’m gonna call Itachi.”

Shisui proceeded to tease Obito, “I wonder what would Rin think of you if she ever sees you like this. Oh crap –” The call to Itachi was established.

“Obito?” The missing Uchiha’s voice came through.

“Itachi! Even though you’re such a killjoy, you not being around here is such a displeasure! Wait…” Obito looked at Shisui, the latter whom fished a tile out of Tsunade’s discarded pile.

“ _Kong_. [2]” Shisui grinned, showing four tiles, one up, three face down. A great hand to score with, which equals more money won from Tsunade.

“Obito,” Itachi breathed in deeply, his gut and lungs wrenching at the worst possible circumstance, “Please do not tell me that you are gambling with Shisui.”

“Hey, ‘tachi! This isn’t gambling, it’s business with much money to earn.”

Out came Deidara’s snort from the other side and Itachi’s look of disapproval that followed.

Alas for the Uchiha duo, Chiyo was a clever old lady with decades after decades of experience playing the game.

“Thirteen orphans,” Chiyo’s raucous laughter circled the room, pushing her tiles over so that every player could see, “So that’s six hundred bucks, slug princess.”

Sasori could not care less about his grandmother’s winnings.

“I thought I was going to win!” Obito was drunk, all inhibition lost, “Sasuke, you take my place next!”

Shisui froze. Now the secret was out from the bag, there was no turning back.

A very rare sight to behold followed, where Itachi was capable of showing the emotion behind seething, “Obito, did you teach Sasuke how to gamble?”

“Why yes,” The man in trouble did not manage to react fast enough, until a wild stomp on the foot from Shisui halted him, “– no!”

“I am going to kill both of you once you return.”

* * *

Footnotes

[1]: The conversation between our favourite artists is a reference to the last few chapters of _Genji Monogatari_. The lady in question was a rebel figure.  
[2]: Four pieces consists a ‘set’ in mahjong. With random chance, three identical tiles were drawn, while the fourth was fished out from another player’s discarded pieces. This consists a Kong.


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